She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
