Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
