how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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