The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
