This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You're like the curious george of whores
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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