The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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