Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
