Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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