chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
