I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
