i'm signing you up for texting rehab
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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