i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
