the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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