Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
