We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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