i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
