his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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