Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
