I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
