I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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