You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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