Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
