I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
