Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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