cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
