My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
