My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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