a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
