I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
