chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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