Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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