I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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