Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
