it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
