Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
