New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
