So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
