You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
