I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
