OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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