I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Randomize
