Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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