Betty ford says i'm here all night
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
