why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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