i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
