If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
