I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
