I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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