There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
