i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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