Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
